Something to doWorking with others
Check the story you're telling yourself
A simple exercise to separate what happened from what you're assuming, before you act on it
Why it’s worth your time
When something at work stings, the sting usually comes from the meaning you've attached to it, not from the event itself. Writing the facts and the story side by side shows you how much of it is a guess. A guess can be checked, and checking is usually kinder to everyone, you included.
How to separate facts from the story you're telling yourself
You’ll come away with a clear line between what happened and what you assumed, and one question to ask.
We’ll turn this into a checklist you can tick off.
- Write the facts and the story side by side.
First, only what was said or done, the way a camera would record it. Then, separately, what you've decided it means. Keep both short.
Stays in this browser only. Nobody else sees it.
Tip: If a word is doing a lot of work, like ignored, dismissed, or always, it probably belongs in the story box, not the facts.
- Come up with one other story that fits the same facts.
Not to talk yourself out of how you feel. Just to see that the facts allow more than one reading. What might a reasonable, decent person have been thinking, or dealing with?
- Decide whether it's worth asking.
If it's still bothering you, or it will change how you work with this person, ask. If not, you're done.
- Ask with what you saw, not what you concluded.
Say what happened, say what you wondered, and ask a real question. Keep it tentative. You're checking a guess, not delivering a verdict.
You“In Tuesday's meeting my item got moved to the end and we ran out of time. I wasn't sure what was behind that. Can you help me understand how you're thinking about it?”Tip: Then listen properly. The answer may be something you had no way of guessing.
Good moments for this: after something stingsbefore you reply to a message that bothered youwhen you catch yourself replaying a moment
We’ll turn this into a checklist you can tick off.
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Making it work for you
Every workplace is different. Here’s what to think about before you start, and what might get in the way.
Things to think about
Tired, stretched or worried people tend to reach for the harsher reading. That isn't a reason to dismiss the story, just a reason to check it.
What might make this harder
That's exactly when the story writes itself. Do the other-story box anyway, and keep your question small and factual.
Questions people ask
How do I stop overthinking something someone said at work?
Write down exactly what was said, then separately what you think it meant. Seeing the gap between the two usually takes some of the heat out. If it still matters, ask the person rather than guessing.
What does "the story I'm telling myself" mean?
It's the explanation you attach to an event, often in a split second, that shapes how you feel about it. The event and the story are separate, and only one of them actually happened.
How do I ask a coworker about something without sounding accusatory?
Start with the facts, say what you wondered, and ask a genuine question. For example: my item got moved and we ran out of time, and I wasn't sure what was behind it. Can you help me understand?
What if my interpretation turns out to be right?
Then you've learned it early and directly, which is far better than guessing for months. Now you can talk about the real issue instead of your version of it.
Why this works, and where it comes from
Something happens at work, a curt reply, a meeting you weren't invited to, your idea credited to someone else, and within a second you know what it means. The meaning arrives so fast it feels like part of the event. It isn't. It's a story, and it's usually built from very little: tone, timing, and whatever you were already worried about.
Crucial Conversations, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler, describes this as a path from what we see and hear, to the story we tell about it, to how we feel and then how we act. Their point is that the story in the middle goes by unnoticed, so it seems as if the event itself made us upset. The worksheet here makes that visible: the facts in one box, the story in another, and one other story that fits the same facts.
The other story is the part people skip, and it's usually where the relief comes from. Not because the kind reading is always right, but because once you see the facts allow two readings, you can't be certain of either. A guess is something you can check, and checking is almost always kinder than concluding. From the other person's side, a genuine question is very different from being quietly judged. It gives them the chance to explain something you couldn't have known.
The way to check is the plainest one: here's what I saw, here's what I wondered, can you help me understand? Ask why, then listen. Sometimes you'll learn the story was right, and that's useful too, because now you're dealing with the real problem, early. It isn't the move for every small thing. Plenty of stings fade once you've seen they were guesses, and letting those go is a perfectly good ending.
Other simple things to consider
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Written by Truest, based on Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High (Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler). Last updated October 2, 2026. We sell a career membership; where that’s relevant above, we say so.