Something to doWorking with others
Get curious before you get annoyed
A micro habit for handling everyday friction by finding out what someone's dealing with before deciding what they meant
Why it’s worth your time
When someone lets us down, we tend to blame who they are, while we excuse ourselves because we know our own circumstances. One question about their constraints fills in the half of the story you can't see. Often the frustration shrinks, and when it doesn't, you're working from facts instead of a guess.
How to handle a frustrating coworker with curiosity
You’ll come away with one frustration checked against the facts.
We’ll turn this into a checklist you can tick off.
- Notice the story you've already started.
Late reply, so they don't care. Missed detail, so they're sloppy. Catch the verdict as it forms, and treat it as a guess.
- Think of two other explanations.
What would make a reasonable person do this? A competing deadline, a different instruction from their manager, a piece of information they never got. You don't have to believe them, just hold them next to your first guess.
- Ask one question about their side.
Ask when you're calm enough to be interested in the answer, even if that means waiting an hour.
You“Is anything making this harder on your end that I don't know about?” - Decide what to do with what you learn.
If there was a reason, see whether there's something small either of you can change. If there wasn't, you're in a much better place to raise it plainly.
Tip: Asking isn't agreeing to let it go. It's making sure that if you do raise it, you raise the right thing.
Good moments for this: the next time someone frustrates youwhen a message reads badlyearly on with someone new
We’ll turn this into a checklist you can tick off.
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Making it work for you
Every workplace is different. Here’s what to think about before you start, and what might get in the way.
Things to think about
Short replies, missing greetings, and delays carry no tone, so we supply one, and it's often more negative than the sender meant. A two-minute call often settles what a long thread can't.
What might make this harder
Wait. Write the message you'd like to send, don't send it, and ask your question later. The question only works if you mean it.
Questions people ask
How do I stop getting annoyed at coworkers?
Before you decide why they did something, ask them one question about what they're dealing with. Frustration often shrinks once you know their constraints, and when it doesn't, you can raise the real issue.
What is the fundamental attribution error?
The tendency to explain someone's behavior by their character and underestimate the situation they were in. At work, it can quietly turn a busy colleague into a careless one in our heads.
How do you ask a coworker what's going on without sounding accusatory?
Ask about their situation, not their fault, for example whether anything is making it harder on their end. Tone matters more than wording, so ask when you're calm.
Why this works, and where it comes from
Psychologists have a name for the move almost everyone makes: the fundamental attribution error, a term coined by the social psychologist Lee Ross in 1977. When someone else falls short, we tend to explain it by who they are and underestimate what they were dealing with. You know every reason you were late; you know none of theirs.
At work this compounds quietly. One misread becomes a small story about a person, and every message after that gets read through it. Nobody checks the story, because checking would mean a slightly awkward conversation, so it hardens. Meanwhile the other person is usually juggling things you can't see: a manager with different targets, three other requests landing the same afternoon, an instruction that contradicts yours.
One honest question interrupts that. It fills in the half of the picture you were missing, and it signals that you're assuming good faith, which people tend to return. Asking why, and meaning it, is one of the most useful habits in working life. It doesn't mean excusing everything. It means that if you do end up raising something, you're raising the right thing with the right person.
Curiosity has limits. When the same thing has happened three times and you've already asked, more questions can start to look like avoidance; it's time to say plainly what you've seen and what it's causing. Hostile or targeted behavior is different again; bring in your manager or HR, and don't feel you owe anyone the benefit of the doubt before protecting yourself.
Other simple things to consider
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Written by Truest, based on The intuitive psychologist and his shortcomings: Distortions in the attribution process (Lee Ross). Last updated September 25, 2026. We sell a career membership; where that’s relevant above, we say so.