Working with others
Name a pattern directly
A simple exercise to raise something that keeps happening, plainly and without blame
When the same thing keeps happening, tell the person what you've seen, what it's causing, and ask to talk it through.
- 15 minutes
- You and one colleague
- When something keeps happening
- Conversation
Why this can work
Saying plainly what keeps happening, with two or three recent examples and what they caused, gives the other person something concrete to answer instead of a vague sense that you're unhappy. Asking to talk it through, rather than announcing a fix, keeps it a shared problem.
Read moreHow to address repeated behavior with a coworker
You’ll come away with one pattern named, and an agreement about what changes.
- Check it's really a pattern.
Three or more times, recently enough that you both remember. If it's happened once or twice, it may still be coincidence, and a question is the better first move.
- Pick two or three examples and what they caused.
Each a real moment: when, what happened, the effect. For example: the weekly report arrived after the Monday deadline three times this month, and each time I presented last week's numbers to the leadership team.
Tip: Check your own part before you go in. If your late inputs or unclear asks feed the pattern, say so early; it makes it far easier for them to own theirs.
- Ask for time, privately.You“There's something that's come up a few times that I'd like to talk through with you. Do you have fifteen minutes this week?”
- Say what you've seen and what it's causing.
Keep it to the examples and the effect, and admit you may not have the whole picture. Then stop and listen.
To: the colleague involvedI've noticed the pattern a few times recently, most recently one example.
It's been causing the effect on the work, and I'd rather say so now than let it build.
I may be missing part of the picture. Can we work out together what's going on and what might work better?
Swap the highlighted parts for your thing. Works on Slack, in email, or said out loud. - Agree one change, and a time to check back.
End with something specific either of you will do differently. Two weeks is usually enough to know whether it's working.
You“Shall we check back in a couple of weeks and see how it's going?”
Good times to repeat it: when something has happened three timeswhen hints haven't workedbefore it shows up in anyone's review
Making it work for you
Every workplace is different. Here’s what to think about before you start, and what might get in the way.
Things to think about
In some places a plain statement is normal and respectful; in others it can feel like a confrontation. Adjust the warmth around it, not the clarity of what you've seen.
What might make this harder
Stay with the examples rather than arguing over the word. Ask how those specific moments looked from their side.
Questions people ask
How do you tell a coworker about a recurring problem?
Ask for a private conversation, describe two or three recent examples and their effect, and ask to talk it through. Specific moments are much harder to dismiss than a general complaint.
How do you address repeated behavior at work without sounding confrontational?
Stick to what happened and what it caused, admit you may be missing context, and end with a question rather than a verdict. Calm and specific tends to read as respectful.
When should you escalate a problem with a coworker to your manager?
Usually after you've raised it directly and it continues, or straight away if it involves safety, harassment, or ethics. Specific examples help either way.
Why this works, and where it comes from
Repeated friction tends to go unsaid for a long time. We hint, we sigh, we mention it to someone else, and we hope it fixes itself. The longer a pattern goes unnamed, the more it turns into a story about the person instead of a problem with the work. Meanwhile the other person often has no idea anything is wrong, because nobody has told them.
One example can be explained away as a bad week. Three, each with what it caused, are hard to argue with, and that's the point: not to win, but to get past whether it's happening and on to what to do about it. The approach stretches the Center for Creative Leadership's Situation-Behavior-Impact model across several moments at once. The effect is what turns a complaint into a shared problem, because it says why this matters to the work you both care about.
Being told something plainly can sting, but for many people it's a relief. Ambiguity is harder: a colleague who is clearly irritated but won't say why leaves them guessing and defensive. Direct and kind aren't opposites. Saying exactly what you've seen, admitting you may be missing context, and asking to solve it together is about as respectful as a hard conversation gets.
If you're angry right now, wait a day; a pattern named in the heat of the latest example tends to land as an attack. And if the cost so far is only your own irritation, a question about why it keeps happening may be enough. Once the effect lands on other people, a customer, a deadline, the rest of the team, the plain version is usually the kinder one.
Other simple things to consider
What to do next
More in Working with others
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Written by Truest, based on Situation-Behavior-Impact (SBI) feedback model (Center for Creative Leadership). Last updated September 25, 2026. We sell a career membership; where that’s relevant above, we say so.