Something to doWorking with others
Summarize their view before you share yours
A simple exercise to disagree well, by showing you understand before you argue
Why it’s worth your time
People often stop defending a position once they believe you understand it. Until then, much of what they say is repetition, an attempt to be heard rather than a new argument. Summarizing their view first ends that loop, and it earns you a fairer hearing when it's your turn.
How to disagree respectfully at work
You’ll come away with a disagreement you both understand, and a fairer hearing for your side.
We’ll turn this into a checklist you can tick off.
- Hold your reply and say their view back.
When you feel the urge to jump in with your counterpoint, pause and restate their position in your own words: what they want, and why they want it. Aim for a version they'd be glad to have said themselves, not a shrunken one that's easy to knock down. For example: you think we should push the launch a week, because support isn't trained yet and a rough first week would cost more than the delay.
- Ask if you got it right.
If they correct you, take the correction and try again. The goal is their yes.
You“Is that fair, or did I miss something?” - Say what you agree with.
There's usually something: the goal, a risk they've spotted, a constraint you share. Saying it out loud shows the disagreement is narrower than it felt a minute ago.
- Then share your view, and your reason.
Give your position the same way you gave theirs, with the why attached. If the conversation matters, you can ask them to say it back.
Tip: If they won't, don't insist. You've already changed the tone of the conversation.
Good moments for this: the next time you disagree with someonewhen a conversation starts going in circlesbefore a decision you care about
We’ll turn this into a checklist you can tick off.
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Making it work for you
Every workplace is different. Here’s what to think about before you start, and what might get in the way.
Things to think about
Most positions at work sit on top of a concern: a deadline, a customer, a team that's already stretched. Naming the worry often does more than restating the argument.
What might make this harder
Summarize it anyway, including the best reason someone might hold it. If you can't find one, ask for it. That question is worth asking before you argue.
Questions people ask
How do I disagree with someone at work without arguing?
Restate their view first, in a way they agree is fair, then give yours with your reasons. It slows the conversation just enough for both sides to be heard.
What are Rapoport's rules?
Guidelines for criticizing someone's argument, which the philosopher Daniel Dennett attributes to the game theorist and social psychologist Anatol Rapoport. You restate the other view fairly, say where you agree and what you learned, and only then disagree.
What is active listening?
Listening to understand rather than to reply, and showing it by reflecting back what you heard. The idea grew out of the work of the psychologist Carl Rogers, and it's as useful in a meeting as anywhere.
What if the other person won't listen to my side?
Summarize theirs first and ask if you got it right. People who feel understood tend to be more willing to listen. If they still won't, you've done your part, and it may be time to agree how the decision gets made.
Why this works, and where it comes from
When two people disagree, each is usually waiting for the same thing before they'll really listen: some sign they've been understood. Much of what looks like stubbornness is someone who doesn't yet believe they've been heard. So they say it again, a little louder, and the other person does the same. Neither is adding anything new.
A good summary breaks that pattern, and it checks your own understanding too. Restating someone's position often shows the disagreement is smaller than it felt. You agree on the goal and differ only on a risk, or a timeline, which is a far more solvable argument than the one you thought you were having.
The idea has a long history. The psychologist Carl Rogers proposed it as a rule for heated discussions: each person may speak only after restating the previous speaker's view to that speaker's satisfaction. Much later, the philosopher Daniel Dennett set out rules for criticizing an argument that he credits to the social psychologist and game theorist Anatol Rapoport: restate the other view so well its owner would be pleased with it, list where you agree, say what you learned, and only then rebut. The steps here use the first two.
It isn't for every disagreement. If you disagree about a fact that can be checked, go and check it. A generous summary isn't what's needed when someone's behavior, not their view, is the problem; name the behavior directly, or take it to someone who can act on it.
Other simple things to consider
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Written by Truest, based on On Becoming a Person (Carl Rogers) and Intuition Pumps and Other Tools for Thinking (Daniel C. Dennett). Last updated October 2, 2026. We sell a career membership; where that’s relevant above, we say so.