Something to readFeedback
Thanks for the Feedback
A book about the receiving end of feedback, and how to get value from it even when it's badly delivered
Why it’s worth your time
You rarely get to choose how feedback is delivered, but you can get much better at taking it. Stone and Heen explain why feedback sets us off and how to find what's useful in it anyway. It's one of the few books written for the person on the receiving end, which is most of us, most of the time.
How to receive feedback well
The book · About 8 hours of reading · Buy or borrow
How to get it
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- Read the book.
A chapter or two at a time is plenty. Pay most attention to the three reasons feedback sets people off; much of the book builds on them.
- Ask one person for one thing.
Pick someone who sees your work. Ask for advice rather than a verdict, and keep it to one thing so it's easy to answer.
You“If you could pick one thing for me to do differently, what would it be?”
Good moments for this: before a reviewafter feedback that stungwhen you start with a new manager
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Making it work for you
Every workplace is different. Here’s what to think about before you start, and what might get in the way.
Things to think about
Feedback invites someone to grade you; advice invites them to help. People tend to be more candid when they're helping, and the answer points at what to do next.
What might make this harder
Ask what they saw and what good would look like by next time. If you disagree, say so calmly in writing, after the meeting rather than in it.
Questions people ask
What is Thanks for the Feedback about?
The receiving end of feedback: why it's hard to hear, the reactions that get in the way, and how to get something useful out of feedback even when it's poorly given.
What are the three feedback triggers?
Truth triggers, when the feedback seems wrong. Relationship triggers, when your reaction is about who said it. Identity triggers, when it shakes how you see yourself.
Is Thanks for the Feedback worth reading?
Reviewers have called it highly practical, especially around reviews. One critic argued it puts too much on the individual and too little on how organizations handle feedback. If you want a quick start, the triggers and the one-thing question carry much of the value.
How do I get better at receiving feedback at work?
Notice what's setting you off, separate the message from the messenger, ask what they saw and what they'd suggest, and ask regularly for one specific thing. You decide what to keep.
What it says, and how it holds up
Almost everything written about feedback is aimed at the person giving it: be specific, be kind, be timely. Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, who lecture at Harvard Law School and co-wrote Difficult Conversations, turned it around. Since you can't control how feedback comes at you, the leverage is in how you take it. The book is about a tension most people feel and rarely name, between wanting to learn and wanting to be accepted as you are.
The frame people tend to remember is the three triggers. Sometimes feedback simply seems wrong. Sometimes the problem is who it came from. Sometimes it hits something about who you think you are, and then it's hard to hear anything at all. Naming which one is happening tends to cool things down enough to ask the next question. They also pull apart the different things people mean by feedback, appreciation, coaching and evaluation, which can explain a lot of conversations where both people walked away frustrated.
The book has its critics. In Times Higher Education, Sandra Leaton Gray argued that it asks employees to adapt while leaving power and unfair treatment largely out of view, and that it leans on anecdote. That's a fair caution. Getting better at receiving feedback is a skill, not a duty to agree. The authors' own view is that the receiver decides what to take, and that includes deciding something isn't right.
Reach for something else if what you're facing isn't really feedback. Comments aimed at who you are rather than your work, or a pattern that looks like discrimination, call for notes and advice from someone outside the situation, not better listening. And if your job right now is giving hard feedback rather than taking it, the authors' earlier book is the closer fit.
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Picked by Truest and described in our own words. The original belongs to its creator. Last updated October 9, 2026. We sell a career membership; where that’s relevant above, we say so.