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Why conversations go wrong
A 52-minute Hidden Brain episode with linguist Deborah Tannen on how talking styles get misread as bad intent
Why it’s worth your time
Shankar Vedantam's conversation with linguist Deborah Tannen suggests that when a colleague seems pushy, cold or evasive, the cause can be a difference in how you each talk rather than in what you each mean. Tannen walks him through pauses, overlapping talk, indirect requests and the message under the words, with stories from dinner tables and one from a naval classroom. It can turn a person you're annoyed with into a style you can work with.
Why a colleague can seem rude when they don't mean it
- Listen to the episode.
The first part, about a recorded Thanksgiving dinner and what she calls machine-gun questions, sets up the idea. The workplace examples come about two-thirds of the way in: a manager who announces decisions, a boss's polite request for an update, and a naval officer saying it's cold in here.
- Name one style difference with one colleague.
Pick someone you've found hard to talk with. Write down one difference in pace, directness or how you take turns, and then the kindest intention that could explain their side. Next time you work together, ask how they like to receive requests.
Good moments for this: after a meeting that went sidewayswhen a new colleague seems coldbefore asking something of someone new
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Making it work for you
Every workplace is different. Here’s what to think about before you start, and what might get in the way.
Things to think about
In Tannen's naval story, the officer could hint because of his rank, and everyone jumped up to close the windows. At work, an indirect request from a boss may be an instruction, while the same words from a peer may be a suggestion. If you can't tell, asking is cheaper than guessing.
What might make this harder
Start by assuming style, but if hostility keeps coming back after you've adjusted, treat it as a different problem.
Questions people ask
What is the Hidden Brain episode Why Conversations Go Wrong about?
Shankar Vedantam talks with Georgetown linguist Deborah Tannen about conversational style: pace, pauses, directness and the meaning beneath the words. Her argument is that style differences often get misread as rudeness or coldness between people who mean well.
What is a metamessage?
Tannen, drawing on the anthropologist Gregory Bateson, separates the message, what the words mean, from the metamessage, what saying them that way implies about the relationship. As she puts it, arguments often stall on the message when it was the metamessage that stung.
How do I deal with a coworker who keeps interrupting?
Consider that the overlap may be their way of showing interest. Say plainly that you'd like to finish your point, and ask how they like conversations to go, so you can meet in the middle.
Is Deborah Tannen's work about men and women?
Partly. Some examples in the episode compare women and men, but she frames them as tendencies, not rules, and also talks about regional, family and cultural differences.
What it says, and how it holds up
Two people can leave the same meeting each sure the other was rude, without either meaning harm. Deborah Tannen, a linguist at Georgetown, studied this closely in a three-hour recording of a Thanksgiving dinner she transcribed for her PhD. The New Yorkers at the table expected shorter pauses between turns, so the Californians and a British guest kept waiting for a gap the New Yorkers kept filling. To one person, talking over someone can be enthusiasm; to another it's interrupting, and it takes both to create the interruption.
Her idea of the message and the metamessage can carry into work. The words of a request are one thing; what the phrasing says about the relationship, who's up or down, close or distant, is another, and that's often what people react to. In the episode's workplace segment, she describes a manager who announced decisions and assumed anyone unhappy would speak up, which, she says, works for some people and not for others. Her own fix for one slower-paced colleague was to count to seven before deciding he had nothing to say.
The episode first ran in 2021, and Hidden Brain has re-aired it since, adding new material. Many of the examples come from couples and families, and some lean on differences between women and men, which she qualifies as she goes. The pushback she reports is fair: what if the other person really is hostile? Her answer is that people are quick to assume bad intent anyway, so the useful news is a way to imagine a different one.
A disagreement about substance is a different matter. If a colleague objects to the plan itself rather than how it was said, smoothing out pauses and directness can leave the real issue untouched, and that's a disagreement to have out on its merits.
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Picked by Truest and described in our own words. The original belongs to its creator. Last updated October 9, 2026. We sell a career membership; where that’s relevant above, we say so.