Working with others
Ask to start over after a rough start
A simple conversation to reset a working relationship that got off on the wrong foot, before the first impression sets
If a working relationship started badly, say so plainly, own your part, and ask for a reset and for how they like to work.
- 10 minutes
- You and one colleague
- Once
- Conversation
Why this can work
A rough start tends to harden into a story each of you tells about the other, and every small thing after it gets read through that story. Saying plainly that you got off on the wrong foot, owning your part, and asking to start over gives you both permission to drop it. Many people are relieved to be asked, because they felt it too.
Read moreHow to fix a bad start with a coworker
You’ll come away with a second first impression, and one thing you'll do differently.
- Be honest with yourself about your part.
Before you talk, note what happened, how it might have looked from their side, and what you contributed. There's almost always something, even if it's small.
Tip: You're not looking for who was right. You're looking for the part you can own out loud.
- Ask for ten minutes, one to one.
In person or on video, not in a thread. Keep the ask light so it doesn't sound like a summons.
You“Do you have ten minutes this week? I'd like to talk about how we've been working together.” - Say what you saw, what you think it means, and what you'd like.
Keep it short and about the working relationship, not a list of incidents. Owning your part first makes it easier for them to do the same.
You“I feel like we got off on the wrong foot, and I think some of that is on me. I came in moving fast and didn't ask how things worked on your side. I'd like to start over, if you're up for it.” - Ask what would make working with you easier.
Then listen without defending. What they say is the most useful part of the conversation, and asking for their advice tells them you mean it.
You“What would make working with me easier for you?” - Change one thing they'll notice, soon.
Pick one thing from what they said and do it visibly in the next week or two. A reset is a promise, and small follow-through is what makes it believable.
Good times to repeat it: in your first few months with someone newafter a rocky first project togetherwhen every exchange with someone feels tense
Making it work for you
Every workplace is different. Here’s what to think about before you start, and what might get in the way.
Things to think about
Early on, people build a quick story about each other, and later moments get read through it. Naming the story out loud is often the only way to change it.
What might make this harder
Take them at their word, and still ask what would make working with you easier. You've shown good faith either way.
Questions people ask
How do I fix a bad first impression with a coworker?
Ask for a short one-to-one, say plainly that you feel you got off on the wrong foot, own your part, and ask what would make working with you easier. Then change one thing they'll notice.
What do I say to reset a working relationship?
Something short and honest: you feel you got off on the wrong foot, some of that is on you, and you'd like to start over. Then ask how they like to work, and listen.
Should I talk to a coworker I clashed with?
Usually, yes, if it's ordinary working friction rather than something more serious. Waiting tends to let the first impression harden.
What if my new manager and I got off to a bad start?
The same approach works, framed around doing good work for them. Ask how they like to work, and follow through visibly on one thing they say.
Why this works, and where it comes from
Working relationships set fast. In the first few weeks, each person builds a quick story about the other: pushy, cold, disorganized, territorial. Once the story exists, everything after it gets read through it, so a short reply looks dismissive and a question looks like a challenge. When things go badly, it's easy to put the other person's behavior down to who they are and your own down to what was going on, and that gap is where many rough starts come from. You were rushing because it was your second week; they read it as not caring what they thought.
The trouble is that neither of you can fix a story you haven't named. Being extra pleasant rarely works on its own, because the pleasantness gets read through the story too. Saying it out loud does. The shape is the one that works for raising anything new: here's what I saw, here's what I think it means, here's what I'd like to try. I think we got off on the wrong foot, some of that is on me, and I'd like to start over.
Owning your part first does a lot of work. It makes the conversation safe, because you're not asking them to defend themselves, and it tends to invite them to own theirs. It also means being honest with yourself before you walk in; there's almost always something, even if it's only that you didn't ask how things worked on their side. Asking what would make working with you easier turns a reset into advice you can act on.
This is never about proving who was right, and it isn't the tool for something that crosses a line, which belongs with your manager or HR. It's for the ordinary friction of two people who started badly and are stuck with each other's first draft. Offering to start over is a small act of generosity, and it's often returned.
Other simple things to consider
What to do next
More in Working with others
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An exercise written by Truest, based on our experience. Last updated September 25, 2026. We sell a career membership; where that’s relevant above, we say so.